


And They All Lived Happily Ever After

by onekisstotakewithme



Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: Bedtime Stories, Bisexual Hawkeye Pierce, Episode: s04e08 The Kids, M/M, hunnihawk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-04
Updated: 2018-02-04
Packaged: 2019-03-13 15:55:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13573890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onekisstotakewithme/pseuds/onekisstotakewithme
Summary: "It’s the BJ effect: sunshine and fairy tales, and it’s almost more intoxicating than the gin Hawk is drinking."Hawkeye is too cynical to believe in fairy tales and bedtime stories, but he does still want to know how the story ends.Set during "The Kids" from season 4





	And They All Lived Happily Ever After

**Author's Note:**

  * For [flootzavut](https://archiveofourown.org/users/flootzavut/gifts).



> This is of course for flootzavut, because to quote her, "It's your fault"

Hawkeye Pierce has never really been a big believer in bedtime stories. The idea of a hero riding in on a white horse and saving the day has always seemed a bit silly to him. There’s no magic spell that’ll magically end this war, no ruby slippers to bring him to Crabapple Cove. Bedtime stories are nice and all, but he’s seen too much to believe in fairy tales, and there’s no place for them in a war.

He’s also fairly certain that the only fairy tale he’s living in is the of the Brothers Grimm variety.

No happily ever after in a war zone.

Even if he is living with a man who looks and acts like a prince. _Straight out of a Disney movie, that’s my Beej,_ Hawk thinks. Even if Beej _isn’t_ his.

There’s a war going on just beyond the flimsy canvas walls of their humble hell, and Hawkeye can’t forget that, no matter what. He can’t forget that these kids eagerly looking to him and BJ for a story are orphans, and that they’re here because the war has chased them from their homes.

 _Join the club, kids,_ Hawkeye thinks, as he exchanges a look with BJ who grins at him. Dammit he hates the war, but BJ’s smile makes him feel a little less hollow.

It can’t make Hawkeye forget the war, seeing BJ smile, but it does blur the edges a little. 

They’re bickering over who’s going to tell these kids a story, and _oh God_ they’re flirting, and Hawkeye may flirt with everyone a little, but he’s not used to the object of his affections flirting _back_ (and doesn’t he flirt with BJ because it’s safe, because nothing will ever come of it? He loves BJ and he flirts with him, and BJ is a married man so what does it matter anyway?), but the look BJ gives him when he says _my wife is only five-one_ is just screaming _wait til the kids go to bed,_ and Hawkeye is glad he has a drink, because if this is how his evening is shaping up, he’s going to need it.

His own story goes over like a lead balloon. He may be Shakespeare with a scalpel but outside the OR, he’s not very poetic. And Frank is irritated, but then, he’s easily annoyed. “If you think I don’t know who you’re talking about, you’re a dumb Dora!”

And then BJ is laughing, and as he laughs, he starts to speak. “Okay, okay. I’ll give it a try.” He waves a hand. “Once upon a time…”

“You’re a natural,” Hawk tells him, in between sips of a martini, because if his signature move isn’t flirting with everyone, then it’s definitely making unnecessary comments nonstop. His mouth is usually ahead of his brain, but lest he get put back on bedtime story detail, he sips his martini and shuts up.

“Mm,” Beej gives him an _I know_ face, and continues. “A long, long time ago, there lived a young man named An-dro-cles. Now, Androcles was a very _kind_ , very gentle young man.”

The kids are watching Beej, rapt, and Hawk finds himself falling under BJ’s spell too. BJ’s daughter has always existed in _theory,_ but seeing BJ tell these kids a story, Hawk finds himself understanding; a man like this should be married and should be a father, and _why did Peg have to get to him first?_

“And one day, he was taking a walk in the wilds… and he came upon a great, big, ferocious-looking _lion_.” Beej pulls a grotesque face, and then roars, which sets the kids off giggling.

And Hawk feels a smile spreading across his face, because this man is a _goddamn_ prince, and he knows he’s smiling like an idiot, but he can’t help it. It’s the BJ effect: sunshine and fairy tales, and it’s almost more intoxicating than the gin Hawk is drinking.

BJ continues. “ _Well that’s it,_ thought Androcles. _He’s gonna have me for lunch_! But instead of eating him, the lion held out his paw… to show him that there was a great big _thorn_ stuck _right_ in his paw. But instead, you know what he did?”

For a second, Hawkeye _can_ forget the war going on around them. He can forget the reason that the kids are here in the first place. Best of all, he can forget, listening to Beej tell his story, that Beej isn’t actually _his._ And the fact that Beej can create an oasis of fairy tale magic and warmth in the middle of this wasteland makes Hawkeye fall in love with him all over again.

The kids may be enthralled with BJ’s story, but Hawkeye is lost in thought, too busy watching Beej.

“… And the lion was so happy, he just walked right away.” BJ makes a noise as he moves his hands, and Hawk’s grin gets bigger, though he isn’t sure how (he’s going to break his face and that’ll be fun to explain). “Androcles thought no more about that lion for years… until one day he was _arrested_ by some guys called the Romans, who wanted to punish him for his faith. You see, Androcles was not only very _kind_ , but very Gentile.”

Hawk understands, and he glares at Beej, who shrugs back at him. _I can’t believe you beat me to it,_ Hawk thinks, but doesn’t ease up on the glare. _I’m in love with an idiot,_ he thinks, but it doesn’t discourage him as much as it should.

Beej is too busy laughing at his own joke to notice that the kids are nearly asleep, and Hawk watches him pause, before realizing he’s hanging on every word. “And, uh, these Roman guys, they threw him into an arena…”

By some miracle, though the kids are now lying on the cot, BJ keeps the story going. Hawk is mesmerized by his voice, and he _knows_ without a doubt that he could listen to this joke-making idiot for hours.

“And let out – to tear him to pieces – a gigantic, ferocious lion!” Beej makes his lion face again and Hawk’s heart feels like it’s being squeezed in a fist, and the words are crawling up his throat, but it’s too _damn_ soon and too _damn_ unfair, and he forces the words back. “Well, sir…” He stops, seeing that he now has an audience of one. “They’re asleep.”

The look he’s giving his audience is a _we’ve got the place to ourselves_ look _,_ but said audience isn’t satisfied.

Hawkeye blinks, coming back to himself. “Yeah, so?”

“So what?” Beej asks, confused.

 “So what happened to Androcles and the lion?” Hawkeye asks, annoyed. _Does he have to spell it out for this stupid (perfect) idiot?_

Beej makes a face. “You _know_ what happened.”

“You’re not gonna finish?” Hawkeye is so far gone, he’d listen to Beej read a gun manual aloud and be just as enthralled. BJ is brilliant at bringing Androcles, the very kind and gentle man, to life, and maybe Hawkeye is just too tired, but he isn’t sure where Androcles ends and Beej begins. _Kind and gentle,_ Hawk thinks, watching Beej. _Go figure._

17 hours of surgery and his biggest worry is whether or not BJ is going to finish a _fairy tale._ Maybe it’s time he followed in Klinger’s footsteps.

And Beej, damn him, is laughing at Hawkeye, but there’s a softness in his eyes that Hawkeye can’t place. “I think your senility’s here ahead of schedule.”

“Okay, okay.” Fine. He doesn’t need to hear the end, he’ll make up his own ending. Why not? Stupid Beej can’t do anything right. “Just for that, I’m not gonna tell you the version where the papa bear comes home alone.”

Beej is still laughing at him, though they’re distracted by the knock on the door. He turns, still laughing. “Yo!”

And Hawkeye is left to marvel over how a fairy tale prince like BJ ended up in this hell with him, and _why does it matter so much to him how the story ends?_

*-*-*

Hawkeye feels like a mess as he collapses on his cot with a martini, so he doesn’t understand why BJ – who in between storytelling and bubble gum, delivered a baby – looks so damn chipper and alive.

Hawkeye wonders, watching him, if this is what he was like when he first arrived. Back in the day when meatball surgery was what he did at a sandwich shop, in the days when he drank real alcohol, back before a kid stepping on a live mine became routine, and before his life shrank to this hellhole. “Hey Beej.”

BJ turns to him with a smile, but it disappears into a yawn. “Yeah, Hawk, what is it?”

“Do you think… that you could tell me how the story ends?”

BJ blinks, and Hawk sees that he isn’t nearly as alive as he looks. “What story?”

“You know, Androcles. The kind one! The gentile one!”

Beej laughs at the memory. “And here I was, thinking you didn’t like my jokes.”

“Are you kidding? It was terrible! I’m incensed! Outraged! Mostly because I didn’t think of it first!”

 BJ sits on the edge of his cot. “Why do you wanna know the ending so badly?”

Hawkeye throws up his hands, because why did he have to fall in love with someone so _dense_? “I don’t know! Because I like endings? That’s the only reason I stick around this crummy place- I have to see how it ends!”

BJ’s smile turns more heartfelt, as he looks at Hawkeye. “Really?”

"Well, I'm not sticking around for the food. The company, maybe."

This earns him a stupid grin from BJ. "And so..."

“Beej, I don’t even _like_ fairy tales! What have you done to me?”

“I think it’s more of a fable-,” BJ reasons.

“I don’t like bedtime stories, period! I was a very cynical child. But at least when I was a kid, my dad was nice enough to tell me the ending!”

“You’re actually _mad_ about this?” BJ asks, incredulous, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. “Aw Hawk, of all the things to be mad about-,”

“Look Beej, unless you want me making up my own ending, which I _doubt,_ get talking. Did that lion eat Androcles or not?”

“Well, what would you have done? If you were Androcles?” BJ scoots closer, raising an eyebrow, and Hawk sputters for a second, suddenly speechless.

Oh, Frank would be so impressed if he weren’t in post-op. They’d finally found a way to shut Hawkeye Pierce up: just place him on the same lumpy cot as Beej, with mere inches between them. “Uh…. Easy. I’d have run away from that lion in the first place. I’m a coward, Beej.”

“Really?” Beej asks. “I doubt that.”

“Oh, definitely. The worst kind. Why? What would you have done?”

“What Androcles did,” Beej says. “I’d have helped.”

Hawkeye toasts him with his martini. “Here’s looking at you, Androcles.”

BJ blinks. “Who said I was Androcles?”

It’s finally clicked for Hawkeye, and he looks up at him, looking over this face that he’s memorized with a fondness he can’t place. “Kind. Gentle. Sounds like you, Beej.”

Beej smiles, and it isn’t so much sunshine as a sunset. He’s clearly eager to get to bed, because the past twenty-four hours have been hell for both of them, and their time playing house is over. And that’s _fine,_ Hawkeye tells himself, because someday Beej will be able to tell his grandkids the story of Androcles, and maybe he won’t always think of this moment, but Hawkeye will. “Thanks Hawk.”

“Uh huh.” He takes a deep breath. “Please, Beej, I want to know how it ends.”

“Well…”

“ _Please_.”

“Well, I guess I never can say no to a pretty face. And I _do_ need to practice for Erin.” There it is again, BJ’s daughter. Maybe, Hawk reasons, that’s why BJ can’t stay above it all. He probably sees his daughter in every child he treats, every little life he holds in the palm of his hand. _You’re probably an amazing father,_ Hawkeye thinks, watching him. _And that’s what makes it so damn hard for you._ If he could make it easier, he would. He would stop Korea from ruining BJ in an instant, even if it meant offering himself up instead.

He realizes then that the only way he wouldn't run from the lion was if there was someone who needed saving. Say, a tall goofy fairy tale prince. Then it would be no contest.

“Keep telling yourself that,” is all he says, as he settles into bed. He should be drinking a warm glass of milk instead of a martini, but if he’s getting into the _shoulds,_ he _should_ be in love with someone other than his bunk mate, who _should_ be at home telling bedtime stories to his daughter instead of Hawkeye.

“Where was I?” Beej asks.

“Arena. Lion. Ferocious. Roar.”

“You’re terrible at that.”

“I never said I was Shakespeare.”

“Okay, let’s see…” Beej clears his throat. “Well sir, it just so happens that the Emperor of Rome was present that day, and when he signaled to release the lion from its cage…  something unexpected happened. You see, the lion did not tear Androcles to pieces.”

 _Oh,_ Hawkeye thinks.

“The lion instead rubbed against Androcles, and stroked him with its paw! By some miracle, it was the same lion that Androcles had helped in the wilds, all those years ago. And when the Emperor saw this, he summoned Androcles to him.”

“And?” Hawkeye asks, watching Beej get lost in his story.

“Androcles told the Emperor all that had happened to him, and explained that lion was grateful to him for his help. When told this, the Emperor pardoned Androcles, and freed him, while the lion was allowed to return to the wilds. And so both Androcles and the lion were free,” BJ says, before smiling at Hawkeye. “And they both lived happily ever after. The end.”

 _If BJ is Androcles,_ Hawk thinks as Beej grins at him. _I think I’m the lion._

Beej keeps him happy, keeps him sane, and keeps him alive, and Hawkeye only hopes that someday he can repay the favor, because keeping Hawkeye human is a monumental task that this man has picked up effortlessly from the day they met.

Beej stands. “Satisfied now?”

“Thank you, Beej.” He doesn’t just mean for the story. BJ nods. Because, of course, he knows. It hangs between them, unspoken. “Think you can tell me another one tomorrow?”

“If we’re still alive, sure.” Beej smiles down at him, before yawning again. “Want me to tuck you in?”

“No. But I wouldn’t say no to a good night kiss,” Hawkeye teases him.

“Ha! Not a chance, Snow White.”

“Aw c’mon Beej, I’m not asking for true love’s kiss or anything. Just a little peck.”

“You’re crazy, Hawk.”

“That’s only an ugly rumor started by people who know I’m crazy.”

And then, because BJ will never stop surprising him, and such surprises are something he can _definitely_ get used to, he leans down and plants one on Hawk’s forehead, stunning him into silence. “Good night, sweet prince,” he teases, leaving Hawkeye staring after him, dumbfounded.

By the time he’s stuttered out a “good night” in BJ’s direction, Beej has already collapsed into his own cot.

This isn’t a bedtime story, and Hawkeye can’t just click his heels three time and go home, but he has a sneaking suspicion that if he had those ruby slippers, home would be wherever Beej was.

Hawk meets BJ’s eyes across the four feet of space, and BJ smiles at him. _There’s no place like home,_ Hawkeye thinks, looking at Beej as his eyes slide shut. _There’s no place like home._

Happily ever after is a stretch in war, but when BJ talks, the war is forced back beyond the walls of the Swamp, far enough that Hawkeye can briefly forget.

And that’s happily ever after enough for him.


End file.
